Memiors of a Yaoi Fangirl

This year has been a pretty fucked up year for me, yeah I know there are others that have had worse years but I reckon my year would be pretty up there.

 

A lot of people died this year, but that’s no different to any other year when I take into the fact that people die all the time. But this time it was not a melancholy sort of people dying, people I actually knew died.

 

One was within the family a sudden illness that had been discovered took her away not long after being diagnosed. Another died of a heart attack on the job! It was like one evening he went to work and had a heart attack right there. This year certainly left me feeling very mortal in the sense of life and death.

 

Another person close to the family died, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about that one and how they died, that is an issue I have never understood and I never want to understand to be honest. These memories of the year remind me of the song Here Without You by three doors down.

 

Whenever I seem to question my mortality when it comes to life I defiantly think of this song, but that’s just me.

 

I found faith this year, a new understanding of life. Earlier this year I chose the read the satanic bible. I will proudly say I have renounced Christianity. I can’t stay with a religion simply for fear of my so called immortal soul and promise of happiness in the after life.

 

One thing this year has taught me is to believe in myself. In Satanism I have found peace with myself. I no longer believe in such nonsense as treat others the way you want to be treated because the fact of the matter is not everyone is going to treat you with respect and kindness. Self preservation is the key to life and happiness.

 

But to me the biggest event of 2010 is what happened to me in April of 2010. It has been posted in another blog on here what happened to me on that night. I was betrayed by someone I thought was my friend in the worse possible way.

 

I was tempted by she devil of an alley cat with less morals than a scientologist in my opinion and that’s putting it nicely. Recent events have helped me further get over this event, but I feel like such a fool.

 

This event tarnished all the happy high school memories I had, because the happy ones were with her. She was my first best friend in a long while. But she led me down a path I at the time did not want to follow but did anyway for fear of loosing that friendship.

 

I see now that to her I was nothing more than a puppy on a chain that came running whenever she asked, and how does she repay me? By saying yes when I firmly said no, then leaving me to cry myself to sleep.

 

I was lucky in one sense of this event however; someone saved me from that household and took me into her own, during a hard time for me. It took a few days but I began to feel comfortable around this person and I even opened up to her.

 

So in 2010 I was betrayed, I let go of a poisonous friendship, I found god in myself, I grew closer to the man I love and I have grown into a stronger and wiser person.

 

Fuck you 2010, after tonight I am done with you forever!

We take so much for granted these days it seems. We have so much help us these days, instead of walking to the corner store for the milk we jump in the car and drive.

We can get almost anywhere via plublic transprort (in australia atleast). We have things and machines that help us in our daily lives. Washing machines, dryers and dishwashers help us around the house. Mobile phones and computers help us keep in contact.

All these things are nice are they not? But how much have we really gained and what have we lost in the process? With all these modern conviniences around the house it does not take that long to do the house hold chores so what do we do in our spare time?

Watch television? Eat snacks chat on phones and computers.

Keeping in contact with people online is fun and makes it easier, with websites like facebook letting people meet up once again with those they havent seen for years.

But we must all by now know the darker side of the net... online predators like those shown on dateline's how to catch a predator. Cyber bullying, it doesnt stop on the playground anymore now they are in the kids phones and computers.

People are pushed to the point where they take there lives all too often, or perhaps suicide has always been there but its more openly discussed now like so many other things.

This modern world is not to blame for its problems its the people in this world that make it bad and our own decisions.

There are so many wonderful stories out there; like a thread master creating his elegant weave, story tellers and writers alike weave with words and at times wisdom.

 I have read many different stories in my few years on this earth and I claim to be no expert, but one thing I have learned over the years it is this.

 There are as many different stories out there as there are means to express those stories.

 Picture books, light novels, novels, graphic novels and even fanfics are all forms of story telling. So we know what a story is, but what makes a story good?

 Is it a macabre world view like that in the stories of H.P. Lovecraft? The whimsical tales of Wizards by J.K Rowling or perhaps it is in the romance of the Twilight series by Stepenie Meyer?

 There are those there that will say all three are masters of there craft, but like anything else in this world there are always two sides to the coin.

 Let us not forget the controversy behind the harry potter books and movies claiming that such stories of magic and wizards was not suited for the younger audiences who loved the book so much. Or the many people out there that say the only thing a twilight book is good for is kindling.

 What is my view on these books? Well that’s really not the point of all this at the moment now is it? What I am here to write about per say is what makes a good story and you know what the answer is so simple eve a child who picks up a picture book knows the answer.

 It is not whether a story makes an author millions or who leaves such an impression on the world that when they leave it they are still remembered no, think about it where these the things we thought about as a young child while having stories read to us in bed?

 What makes a good story is the enjoyment of the reader, see I told you it was simple.

What brought this on? Well yesterday I picked up a book called ' Sophie's World - A Novel about the History of Philosophy' by Jostein Gaarder.

The following short story was not written by me but the person i care for most in this world, my beloved.

An interesting take i have to say on an old argument about morals and religion.

There once was a man who had two sons. As they grew up one of the sons went away to live on his own without his father. The other son learnt all his father taught him. He taught his son he would punish him very badly if he dared to ignore his teachings such as not to kill another man. The son who lives on his own decided he did not wish to be killed and deiced that it was wrong to kill others because he did not think they either would want to die. The two brothers were reunited when the father died. The son who stayed no longer feared his father's punishment and so killed many people. He was later arrested and put in prison. The son who decided that killing is wrong because he himself did not wish it and did not fear his father's punishment did not kill and lived a good life.

Of the two brothers, who is the moral one?

I've been watching a lot of documentaries on foxtel lately about a lot of different things with my mum. A few months ago I watched a doco about a feeding clinic in the UK for boys with anorexia and last Monday I watched a doco about one of my favourite celebs Gok Wan (Gok's fashion fix and how to look good naked UK) He talked about his own struggle with weight as a child and a lot of the things he said really hit home for me.

 Obesity and being overweight has always been an issue for me through out my life. My mum was always big and two years ago she had a lap band put on her stomach to help her lose weight. I have seen first hand her transformation as well as the effects of being over weight on another wise happy person.

 Myself included come under the category of obese. I’m an emotional eater I eat when I’m happy, upset, sad or angry and I always go for what’s bad for me. After leaving high school early due to severe bullying I put on over 50 kilos in less than six months. I was literally eating myself into my own grave and I’m working hard to lose the weight, I’ve already lost about 15 kilos and I’m proud of myself for the loss.

 So the too fat side I know quite literally personally.

 The too skinny side not so much that was until I had a disturbing conversation with a friend recently. She said do you think someone can be too skinny? And I told her from what I’ve seen in the doco’s I’ve watched it can be just as unhealthy. She then told me her height and weight and it took all my inner strength not to cry. I could feel myself shaking I was having a small panic attack at what she had just told me.

 She then told me her friends are the same as her and this just made me worry even more. She told me it was normal, it’s ok to feel hungry all the time. So tell me world when did anorexia become the norm?

 Young girls think being a walking skeleton is sexy? Skin and bone sexy? A part of me wants to blame a lot of it on the fashion designers who only make clothes up to a size 16 (that’s Australian measurements ) you have to be super skinny to buy the nice clothes? This is a very negative message we are sending the girls of today.

 All these celebs are no better walking down the red carpet so thing you can see their shoulder blades through there dress or is that a glimpse of rib I can see on a few?

 I think Gok says it best when he says ‘girls we need to embrace our curves” we cant all be retouched and air brushed so why cant we just be happy with how we are and stop conforming to what everyone else says is beautiful?

if you really want to know how bad this skinny thing has gotten all you have to do is go to google.com and search pro ana then click on any one of the many how to anorexia guides avaliable on the net for anyone with a net connection to view.

Oh joy its another monday not. I dont even have a job and i hate mondays well not really i honestly dont see whats so bad about starting a new working week. Though i suppose with all the shift work options these days not everyones week starts on a monday.

Monday for me means back to job searching aftet a 'quiet' weekend. iwould kill for a quiet weekend. Some good music a good book and to just be left alone. Honestly people in general bar one have just been getting on my nerves lately. From the fake smiles and courtesy from shop staff when i'm out (and you just know there gossiping about your size as soon as you leave the store) to the annoyances of family. Yeah i love em but i dont have to like em right? I mean my own mother use to use that line on me all the time.

"I love you i have to your my daughter but i dont like your behaviour'

thats the nice way of saying you have a shit personality i just know it.

Well as far as job hunting goes i havent heard back from any of the places i went to applyu to in fremantle last week so that was a bust so far. Still waiting for replies on the christmas casual positions but that could be months of waitng still gotta look in the meantime.

Applying for a bakery position this morning atleast its an early start but with my current sleeping patterns that shouldnt be a problem.

Have a happy monday everyone

In the upcoming chapter of my Naruto fanfic 'Life's Arcana' we learn a bit more about Naruto's time away from Konoha and the pasts of some of my OC's including Aden, Daisuke and the secret origin of Kai a character I know a few of my readers out there have shown great interest in.

Though i wont be revealing any of these secrets here I will as always give you guys a sneak peek of whats to come in the new chapter....

'Pink, green and purple flowers pierced the dark night sky above, shinning their light throughout the village below. The fireworks marked the end of the Dragon Festival but for a pair of travellers it also marked the end of there time on the island.

 The next day they would leave on the midday boat never to return to the paradise again. An orange blur ran through the village knocking down various stands and trying not to run into people. He ran faster and faster, screaming till his lungs felt like they were going to explode, searching for the one person he needed to see needed to explain to….

 “Kai, where are you!”  He fell to the ground on the roadside just outside of the village. He let out a frustrated growl that quickly turned into a howl, like a lone wolf separated from its pack he screamed wanting to be found by the one he seeks. It was never suppose to end this way. He was angry so angry at Kouya but the pink haired koinichi was not to blame.

 He should have told all of them earlier, but he didn’t want any of them to say good bye. Good bye always meant forever in his world every time he said good bye they never came back and he didn’t want that empty feeling again after so many months of pure joy.

 “It can’t end this way, please I don’t want him to hate me” cried the blonde as he let the smell of salt air overtake him, the sound of the ocean waves calmed him a little and he looked up and out to sea. He hadn’t checked there yet, the beach where they had first met.

 As he had thought he found the boy sitting by the shore the mask he had been wearing earlier on the ground not far from him smashed into tiny pieces. The sight made the blonde gasp which caught the attention of the figure kneeled by the shore staring out at the ocean.'

oooh yeah theres going to be alot of angst in this chapter. Look out for the update on AFF end of this month beginning of next month.
 

For me nothing beats a quiet corner by myself at a cafe. I usually pick a corner booth and just like to sit there by myself with a pot of green tea for one, a good book and a nice playlist playing on my mp3 player while i loose myself in the latest book I'm reading.

I just want to thank everyone over at AdultFanfiction.net who have been following the first couple of chapters of my naruto fanfic life arcana which has been in the work for i will admit quite a few years now. I have a few notebooks here and there with plot ideas for the story some of which i really still want to use even though they stray from the current plotline which as you may have realised right now focuses mainly on Naruto's return to Konoha with a gay lover and the reactions of his friends and team mates.

I can say that the work for chapter 3 is nearly done as well and should be up by the end of the month and includes some citrus fun.

But i keep getting the same queation from alot of people, why so many OC's?

Well for the story i want to tell to work i needed alot of new characters that i felt still fitted into the naruto universe but were still very different to anything you would se ein the show or manga.

As such each character has there own story as to why they have ended up with naruto's family and i have even written a few short stories for there pasts which i have been thinking of posting here on my blog in the next couple of months.

I can also reveal that the first story to be revealed will most likely be Shunsuke's.

To those out there who are curious about my  character Kai (yes i will admit he is a favourite of mine) there will be no seperate story for him at the moment because his story will be revealed within the fanfic.

When you’re in love!

Oh I know it's completely cliché but it's true, I feel like I'm falling in love all over again. I want to scream at the top of my lungs... Simon I love the!

Life can be tough believe me I know, I’ve had to go through a lot of crap over the last couple of months, from my operation for the reduction being post paned for another 2 years to being betrayed by someone I thought was my friend. They even tried to get between us, the man I love and me!

Nut now none of that at all matters to me to be honest, my heart knows not of distance and believe me my readers there is a great distance you see he lives in England and I'm here in Australia, but I kid you not my heart nor does his know of distance.

I have met my perfect match, I don't know how to describe it my friends but when I hear his voice call out my name I feel like a hole that has been inside me my entire life is finally filled, we are two parts of the same whole.

Wow this is just nothing but cliché after cliché and I always thought they were corny but they are all true!

 

Oh wow listening to my mp3 player Be Somebody by Nickelback came on oh this is how I feel my love; I want the entire world to know!